May 2013
Three years ago, I made the most frightening decision I have ever made ink my entire life. I just made the second…
3 years ago I turned to my partner, a man I had been with at this time for a few years and was deeply involved with, in love with and living with. I turned to him and I said “I am going to go to Australia. Without flying” and he looked at me and i could see he knew that in saying that I did not want him…nor anyone… to come with me.
My poor parents, I have a habit of creating a concept for an adventure and then living it out as soon as the idea has formed. Once my dad rang me “what are you doing?” he said “Oh I’m building a bicycle dad!” said I (who had never cycled more than a mile in her life) “oh really?” said he … “Yes I am going to cycle across England” “Amazing!” he said …”who with?” … “no one dad… I’m doing it alone”
There was a pause
“That is a very very bad idea” he said
I laughed. Told him everything would be fine, a week later i had strapped myself and provisions to a bike.. and at 7am was out the front of my house with a map “…I guess I just cycle down to the beach and head west” I thought. and off I went.
So I doubt my parents were all that shocked when I told them I had decided
to pack up my rather wonderfully established life in the West of England
and work my way overland to the other side of the world. I packed my bags,
rolled my life into boxes. Left my job. Left a life of gigs, exhibitions, a HUGE tribe of amazing friends. On the 30th July 2010 with one back pack, £3,000 and my guitar I jumped into a ride i had found on gumtree and headed off. My partner traveled with me through france for the first month, our farewell trip.
Until that point I had not felt afraid. It had not really sunk in. But In Grenobles, France I got on a bus and looked out the window and my lover. His father and sister had just driven across france and were also there (partly to say goodbye to me yet more so i guess to support him).
I looked at my lover, smiling supportively at me. Suddenly my whole body filled with fear. I freaked out. I went to run off the bus but strangely the bus driver stood in front of me and shouted something at me in german so I obediently sat down as we began to pull out of the car park. “I’ve made a mistake” “I’ve fucked my life up” “I’ve lost everything”
Tear’s began streaming down my face. I cried the 24 hours it took to get to Berlin.
Three years later and here I am in Australia… about to do one of the second most scary things of my entire life….. Go back. In 2 months I pack up my life, leave a rather fresh relationship, leave a beautiful housemate, leave my job, my established life in Melbourne of gigs, events and a HUGE tribe of awesome friends (sound familiar at all) and get on an airplane and fly home.
I did not cry for the whole of those three years… In fact these past three years have been three of the most amazing years of my life. The people I met. The places I discovered. The experiences. Yes i felt alone at times… very alone in fact trumping my way through Siberia, china, japan etc etc.
Yes I ran out of money (one of the reasons my trip was so amazing). Yes I got scared, robbed, lost and frightened. and Yes at times i just wanted to go home.
But i didn’t… and after 8 months… “home” was no longer England anyway.
These past three years gifted me with so much more than i ever had
dreamed (and actually i believe every year of my life gives me with so much). I have been pushed to my limits, stayed true to my heart and chose trust over fear each time and rewarded with some of the most special people and places in the entire planet.
Since I left I have dreamt of the moment i will return a million times, played it out in every scenario.
On the 24th of July 2013 (exactly three years after I left) I get on a plane and fly back to England… no I don’t.. I fly FORWARDS to England… the land of my birth. Where my family and friends have been living their own intricate, tumultuous and inspiring lives.
Yes. I am afraid.
But I know now… If i feel that sense of fear in side me… that bursting panic… it is a sign that great changes are afoot, and great adventure, and great reward.
So I say to you.. what makes you afraid? What dream do you have which fills you body with passion and fear? ……. and I say… this week.. THIS week… in fact TODAY … ask yourself …. how can i make that happen? how can i face that fear… embrace that passion? …and do it… for the love of your own soul DO IT!
Since this blog was written I returned to the UK for 2 months before traveling back to Australia to meet the partner I had out there. On August 17th at 12:26pm, 2014 our baby Daughter was born.
